Shamelessly Betting on Yourself a.k.a. Why I'm a Full-Time Freelancer

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” — Ferris Bueller

I have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life. I always thought I was stronger than what lies beneath, but after the death of my father and the stress of everyday life compounded with untreated mental illness, I realized I wasn’t. It was in my lowest of lows (we’re talking low-low) that I found therapy and medication.

This is also when I found me. The real me, made incrementally better because of the magical (read: scientific) effects of medication + self-acceptance.

So, since 2015 I have been on a mission to be fuller, better, fulfilled. That’s brought me to this point, and I can honestly say for the first time that I am truly excited to leap into the unknown.

These are a lot of words to say: I quit.

Why I decided to quit my day job and bet on my daydream.

Here I am, leaving my steady job in search of my meaning.

I want to pause for a second. First, I’m lucky. Not just lucky—I’m privileged. I’m privileged in so many ways. I have my health (for the most part), a loving partner, a caring parent, a kind sibling, and a safety net. I am educated. I grew up middle class. I am white. These facts do not escape me, and I have been blessed by these privileges.

So deciding to quit my perfectly fine remote job and abandon stability was...a leap, to say the least. Despite all of my privileges, this leap of faith still comes with uncertainties. But I have never felt more in touch with my gut than now.

I have always been a dreamer but never a believer. It’s always been: I want to do this, I want to travel there. Do I believe I will? Not really.

And isn’t that a bummer, reader?

Like so many people, I’ve allowed myself to stuff my dreams inside a tidy little box. I chased stability for years, worked 2-3 jobs to sustain myself, to find meaning, to give my dog the life he deserves. (He honestly deserves the world.)

Look at this precious face:

But after the stress of a contentious election, a pandemic, plus pressures I put on myself to perform at work, I burned out. Thanks, 2020!

When your office is your bedroom in a one-bedroom apartment shared with two dogs and another human—plus you’re not supposed to leave that apartment—work has a way of creeping into every nook and cranny of your space. It gets into your pores and it stains your walls.

I didn’t just burn out; I broke down. I had allowed myself to bottle up 18 months of emotions until the bottle couldn’t hold it anymore.

I finally realized I am the ONLY one who will ever 100% advocate for me. So if my stable job is, in some way, contributing to my unstable mental health...it’s time to put myself first.

This sent me down a road of contemplation (ugh) and self-reflection (UGH).

Reflections on Being Your Own Mental Health Advocate

Screw imposter syndrome.

When it comes to criticism, I am my own worst enemy. Move over, Lit!

It took 29 years of living with imposter syndrome before I was able to put a name to it. When I found out what imposter syndrome is—believing you’re not competent, that you’re a fraud just waiting to get found out—my first thought was...uh oh. That describes me to a T.

Second thought: f*** that noise!

I can’t stop myself from experiencing imposter syndrome but I can change how I respond to it. And you can, too. Would you tell a close friend that they’re terrible at their job? That they’re never going to “get” it? That they’re hopeless? NO! (Or, at least, I hope not.)

Treat yourself like a friend. Nurture your relationship with yourself. Encourage yourself and never stop learning. Failure isn’t the enemy, but self-doubt is.

Mental health and happiness > everything.

We’re lucky to live at this time. COVID-19 and destructive climate change (etc., etc.) aside, we’re living in a time when high-profile athletes and celebrities are speaking openly about mental health. The people that inspire us aren’t super-human—they suffer the same highs and lows, just with more muscles and physical stamina (speaking for myself here!).

With sports icons like Simone Biles, Michael Phelps, and Naomi Osaka shining a light on their struggles, we should take heart. We’re not alone in feeling this way.

As Naomi would say: it’s okay to not be okay.

Dream out loud.

Why do so many of us keep our dreams to ourselves? Why do we nest on a dream and pin our hopes of fulfilling it on reaching a certain age or hitting retirement?

Don’t hold your dreams hostage.

Shout your dream into the world. Scream it if you have to. If you’re feeling stuck or shrunk down by your life as-is, you need a change.

I needed a change.

When I was a kid, I had quiet dreams of being a writer someday. A novelist, a storyteller. Those went away when life demanded that my dreams become more practical, more manageable. My dream was then to find a job, buy a house, take one vacation a year (if I have the money). Maybe get a job in my field of study, if I was feeling particularly cocky that day.

Then I got a job that asked me to write a lot. And suddenly, I was a writer! I was living my dream! And it was enough, at first, to realize I had achieved a fraction of my childhood dream. But over time, a facsimile of a dream doesn’t cut it anymore. I had to relearn how to dream bigger. But, again, I didn’t believe, so I remained small.

When I remained small, I stopped taking up space at work. I lost interest and started doubting my instincts. Everything I did was for someone else’s approval and I never felt up to snuff. This is what happens when your heart’s not in it anymore.

Betting on myself has become a necessity. Pouring time and resources and trust back into myself is my new priority. And because I am willing to do this—to take that leap—I have started to believe again.

I do it for me.

Fans of The Simpsons can probably recall the episode where Homer finds the strength to carry on at work by reframing his “why.”

When work feels like a grind, feels like forever, check in with your why. What matters most and are you on your way there? Are you doing it for them or are you doing it for YOU?

Are you dreaming out loud, or dreaming in silence?

Shamelessly bet on yourself.

That’s it. That’s the advice.

Be brazen and shameless in your dreams. Know your worth and fight for it, and find those people who will support you along the way. Don’t let fear of failure paralyze you (unless your dream is cliff diving...then maybe check yourself before you literally wreck yourself).

I’m not an expert; I’m a depressed 30-year-old white woman with oodles of student debt and an apartment full of plants. I am literally one in a sea of millions like me, but that doesn’t mean I won’t take those odds.

Bet on yourself when the chips are down. The odds are in your favor.

Author's note: This post was originally published on LinkedIn on August 11, 2021.